if you're happy and you know it clap your hands (clap, clap)

I was out for a drink with a friend last night, and we were discussing how he's happier than he's ever been -- even though he's unemployed and not sure what his next step will be. And I realized that I'm pretty happy too.

If you had told me a year ago (or any number of years ago, really) that at 29, I'd be working for my dad and be content, I would have laughed in your face. But. I get to bring my dog to work, I'm not in constant fear of losing my job, I'm learning how to run a small business...and I've been writing more than ever. I'm currently working on more sketches, a full-length play, and will be writing for a theater event in the Hollywood Fringe Festival.

I've been chanting a lot, and half the time I am simply chanting my gratitude - for my health, my house, friends, family, animals...the list goes on. When you stop to reflect on the positive things in your life, they seem to multiply.

Well, hi. Fancy meeting you here.

It's been a while. But it's a new month (April Fools' Day no less) and another attempt to update this here blog on a semi-regular basis.

The nice thing is, though I have not been writing here, I have been writing. I'm almost done with Act I of my first full-length play (tentatively titled "DSM-V") and also just had two sketches produced as part of my improv group's March show.

I've been in my little house for almost two years now, and have definitely been growing in NoHo. Previously black-thumbed Jax actually has a vegetable garden going - my lettuce is thriving, peas are shooting up, carrots are carroting and beets are beeting.

And, the biggest change in my life in the past year or so - I got a dog. A mutt puppy from the pound, named Bear. He gets to come to work with me, which is awesome. I've never had a dog before, not even as a kid, so it's a new sort of commitment but one that I'm really enjoying.

Overall, life is good. Which doesn't make for a very exciting blog post but does make me quite happy.

Lost in NoHo

In the past three weeks, I've lost my job and my car. The job, permanently. The car, not so much, but I've realized it's a money pit and a lemon. And I'm about three thousand dollars upside down on my car loan.

In the past three months, I lost my mind. For the second time. I also lost a bit of my dignity and self-worth when I was in an emotionally abusive relationship.

In the past three years, I've lost a (different) job, a boyfriend, and an apartment.

But I don't want to talk about what I've lost. I want to talk about what I've gained, and what I'm not going to lose. I've gained insight on mental illness, both my own and in general. I've gained a new respect for my relationship with my parents, who are not going to allow me to lose my house. I've gained perspective on the difference between what is personal and what is business, and I've gained the ability to not take things personally, even when they seem to be nothing but. Most importantly, I've gained the strength to say "never again will I allow myself to be taken advantage of, and never again will I let my mind break itself into a million little pieces."

I've gained a voice that is unafraid to talk about my illness, but also the realization that I can make the choice to not be defined by having bipolar disorder. I may be "crazy," but I'm also a dancer, a writer, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a stage manager, a Berkeley graduate, a fluent Italian speaker, a cook, a hockey player, an aggressive driver, and the list goes on and on. I am one of the "lucky ones."

I've gained the courage to talk about my illness openly and honestly, and the backbone to defend my decision to treat it with medication. I've lost the fear of being judged because of the stigma attached to mental illness. I'm currently looking for freelance work that utilizes my skills and intellect, and I'm developing my own passion projects: a documentary that will attempt to clarify the facts about mental illness, and a non-profit that will teach the creative arts to kids that don't have the same advantages I had growing up.

I lost my mind.
I lost my job.
I found my strength.
I found my voice.

Dear Rock Gods:

Thank you.

The concert was fantastic, I got a set list, they played many of the songs on my wish list. The most recent album could seriously be the soundtrack to my life. And lately, it has been. There's nothing like driving around hel-L.A. with a broken convertible top and some long-ago busted out speakers blasting your favorite band.

At times like that, all I can say is Go Bears. And thank you Rock Gods.

An Open Letter to Gomez the Band

Hello to any and all rock gods looking on from above or below,

Here is my proposed set list for tomorrow's show at the Wiltern:

"A New Tide" in its entirety, especially Win Park Slope into Bone Tired.

Encores: Trombone, Rosemary, Machismo (the latter two are favorites I've never heard live).

OR:

We Don't Know Where We're Going

Love is Better than a Warm Trombone

Win Park Slope-> Bone Tired

Revolutionary Kind

Buena Vista

Ruff Stuff

Get Myself Arrested

In Our Gun

Emergency Surgery

Little Pieces (since it was in Grey's)

How We Operate (see above)

Encore:

Make No Sound

Rosemary (seriously, you could walk onstage and play that and walk off and I'd be quite pleased.)

Cheers! I'll be the short girl with curly hair in the front row screaming my freaking head off.

--Jackie

In an LA Minute

So...it's been a while. But it's seemed like about a week. However, in the four-months-that-felt-like-one-week that has passed, I've discovered some cool stuff in and around North Hollywood. So I thought I'd share.

Farm-Fresh Produce

A few weeks ago, I got a bag of produce from CSA California. CSA stands for community supported agriculture, and is "a program in which the community supports one of their local farms by joining together to purchase produce." I got a bag containing kale, romaine, avocado, garlic, bell peppers, plums, strawberries, nectarines, carrots, cucumber and possibly other stuff that I am forgetting. All the produce was delicious (the avocados and the plums were particularly spectacular), plus I felt good about myself for supporting a local farm and cutting down on the energy associated with buying food at the grocery store. Click the link above for more details.

Swing Dancing at Joe's

On Tuesday nights, a local bar called Joe's provides a live band playing swing/big band/rockabilly music (the music varies from band to band). There is no cover, but they do ask that you purchase at least 2 drinks and contribute to the "bucket of love," which is a tip jar for the band (they are playing only for tips). Watch out for the male bartender, or avoid him altogether. The female bartender/cocktail waitress is super nice; the male bartender called my friend a "c%nt." And she wasn't the only one who had an issue with him. The crowd is pretty varied in age and skill level, there are quite a few regulars (and I'm slowly becoming one of them).

Goldstar

If you haven't heard of Goldstar, you should definitely subscribe to their weekly email. They have discounted tickets for many shows and events (including Medieval Times, which I've been meaning to go to for, oh, about 4 years) and the service charges are much better than Ticketmaster's. I went to see Ultimate Mancini at the Hollywood Bowl last Friday - got tickets for 1/2 price ($28 tix in section M for $14 plus $4.50 service fee = $18.50 each) and had a lovely time. Plus I learned that Henry Mancini (or "Hank," as he was called throughout the night) wrote the score for "Mommie Dearest," one of my all-time favorite movies. Plus you can bring wine! And there were fireworks! I love the Bowl.

Wiltern/Palladium/Gibson Amphitheatre Box Office

Speaking of service fees - on Saturday, I went to the Hollywood Palladium box office to purchase a ticket to see Gomez (my favorite band!! sooooo excited!) with NO SERVICE FEE. If you go to concerts, you know that service fees are usually upwards of $10, which is absolutely ridiculous. Instead of paying that, I took a short drive into Hollywood, got my ticket for the $25 base price, plus the guy at the box office was cute. (Nice tattoos, Palladium box office guy.) He also informed me that there are a lot of tickets left for that show, so if you like awesome music (they seriously put on a stellar live show) and don't have plans on the 3rd of August, you should totally support this band. Love.

That's all I've got for today - I'm going to try to update more regularly, but sometimes life gets in the way. I hope the summer is treating you well!

Only in Dreams

I just forgave someone in a dream, and it made me forgive that person in real life.

This is an old hurt - an "over a year" hurt, and I realize now, waking, that I had never forgiven. I had forgotten, I had moved on, but never forgiven. And it took a ridiculous dream; a completely nonsensical subconscious voyage through a greeting card store, a farmer's market, my car, a thrift store, and my parents' backyard (curiously filled with domestic cats and Asian families). It took hanging out with this person while I was sleeping, and saying the things that I never got to say in waking life. It took the irrationality of making eighteen decisions in a single "day" (about 6 hours of sleep) and finally deciding to let go.

It makes me think that it doesn't matter how or if someone apologizes - when we're ready to forgive, we do.