Love (and Cynicism)

I found a beautiful and heartwrenching quote on my journey through the interwebs today:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully 'round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, inpenetrable, irredeemable." --C.S. Lewis

Too late for me - I've already given my heart to Lupita.

Thank goodness, though. Because the alternative doesn't sound very enticing.

Changing the Soundtrack

I had night terrors for the first time in a long time last night. Every so often, I have this dream where I wake up and feel like my breath is caught in my throat - like I need to scream but I can't. Last night, that "mute" dream was mixed with a drunk driving dream and a feeling that an ominous figure was in my bed. Freaky. And since I was at my folks' house, there was no Lupita to calm me down.

Every so often (okay, okay, every day), there is a song that perfectly sums up how I'm feeling. Maybe it's because I listen to too much music. Is that even possible? It reminds me of a line in John Irving's Hotel New Hampshire where Lilly Berry laments that she can never write an ending line as good as that of Fitzgerald in Gatsby, so why even bother? (And then she throws herself out a window, naturally.) I feel like I can never write a song that captures my emotions as well as the songs that get stuck in my head on a day-to-day basis. So here it is: the song of the day (click the title for the lyrics):

Wish I May (Ani Difranco)

yup.

but.

That's kind of a depressing song. So in the spirit of this blog ("trying to grow, trying to let go"), I'm going to change the song. Could it be that simple? Well, I'm going to try.

Solsbury Hill (Peter Gabriel)

Take that, evil dream. And take that, depressing soundtrack. It's MY head, after all, and I get to decide what song plays on repeat.

So Now What?

Everything happens for a reason. I have to believe it - otherwise I get stuck in a spiral of "what if I hadn't done this/said that/gone there..." But sometimes it seems like the little, or not so little, choices that I make put me on an unavoidable path away from where I think I want to be. So what then? Do I give up, figuring that it must have happened for a reason and it's all part of the master plan? Or does it just mean I have to fight harder?

I'll let you know when I figure it out...if I figure it out. In the meantime, I'm going to step more carefully. Because some steps are a lot heavier than others, and push us a lot further off the path that seems right.

The metaphor that pops into my head is that of playing backgammon - once you take your hand off the piece, you're not allowed to move that piece back to its original spot. No takebacks. Which feels unfair when you're 7 years old and still learning how to play the game. Unfortunately, I'm not 7 years old anymore. No takebacks.

What Goes Up...

So maybe I spoke too soon. I guess at the core I'm still technically happy. But recent developments, procrastination, exhaustion, etc. have all made me realize that I still have a LOT to work on.

Let's tackle one - procrastination.

My father likes to use the phrase "procrastination is a thief." But to me, procrastination is the comfort of a warm bed and a cozy pillow. It's the belief that everything will get done...eventually. I need to change my perception. I need to stop looking at procrastination, and its accompanying comfort, as a friend. The garden isn't going to weed itself - the weeds are just going to keep growing. The laundry isn't going to magically get done, it's going to keep piling up. And the play that I'm (not) writing is going to languish on my laptop until I get some motivation.

So what to do? I've been putting things off for so long I don't even know how to force myself to motivate. And there's a trade-off - I could go to dance class tonight, or I could go home and do laundry. Maybe I need to treat myself like a 5-year-old and come up with some sort of reward system. Or maybe I need to realize that I'm a grownup now, and the reward is the mere fact of getting something done. Something's gotta give, and in this case it's gotta be me.

the list...

...of things i want to blog about next month:

*the metaphor jr and i came up with for the state of the nation
*top 5 desert island movies
*my favorite band and why
*playwriting
*my garden, my house, and procrastination in general
*the "tiered cake" of family, friendship and acquaintances
*being a "woman in business" vs. just being a "person in business"
*random film devo opportunities falling from the sky
*working to live vs. living to work
*ode to Lupita
*lists and listmaking
*facebook, myspace, bandwidth and porn
*the penis mightier (just kidding - for those of you who don't get it, that was a Sean Connery SNL jeopardy category - see it here - I couldn't find the original so this is a cartoon with the original audio)

that's a start - hoping to blog more in "months that start with Feb..." (if you don't get that reference you need to watch/listen to the link above!)

Are you happy, Jackie?

Someone asked me this question the other day. Which naturally got me thinking and analyzing my life. That can be a dangerous jaunt at times, but I realized quickly that the answer is an unequivocal and resounding YAWP.

Here's the thing - Yes, I'm (barely) living paycheck to paycheck. Yes, I get a case of "the mean reds" sometimes. Yes, I was dealt a certain number of cards in life (weren't we all) that can make it difficult to play a hand...

BUT. To "play" on the poker metaphor (because I simply cannot resist a poker metaphor) all my cards are on the table. At least it feels that way to me. I know what most of my shortcomings are, and I surround myself with strong, constructive people who remind me of those shortcomings daily. I have an amazing support system of family and friends, and I've realized that I have the luxury of picking and choosing my activities (and activity partners) and the ways in which I spend my leisure time. Not to brag or anything (though if I'm not going to defend my life, who is?) but I have it pretty darn good. I know what I need to work on, and believe me, I am working on all of it. Every damn day.

So...yes. I am. It's taken 27 years, which I know is not a long time in the grand scheme of things. It's taken heartache and struggle and fighting the current and hearing "no" and all those things that make you want to "fold" (punintendedyespleaseverymuchthankyou), and I know every day is not going to be filled with rainbows and unicorns (click on unicorns and brighten your day), but I also know that at the end of the day, I have a warm place to sleep and a cat who loves me. And to take a page from Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's, that's really all I need.

Sorry for the disgusting positivity of this post - it's very unlike me to not be bitter on a Friday. What can I say? It's been a good year so far.

Cleanup on Aisle 2008

As I sit here on my porch, taking a break from cleaning my messy room in advance of hosting book club on Sunday, I'm ruminating on my (quite awesome, if I do say so myself) metaphor for 2008/2009.

You know how your room gets messy before it gets clean? That was 2008...messy. I lost a job, bought a "fixer-upper," was in a number of toxic relationships (from many of which I am still extricating myself), gained about 15 pounds (and lost 7 of them), etcetera, etcetera. It was a rough effing year. But some good also came of it - I started practicing Buddhism, stage-managed a great play, rediscovered old friends and nurtured many non-toxic relationships, made my house a home, found a great roommate, and reignited my passion for film and television (after an 8-month hiatus) while finding my footing in the web industry.

So 2008 was the messy room in the process of getting clean.

And 2009 is the organization year. Trips to Ikea and The Container Store. Making (and sticking to) a hard-core budget that involves putting away at least $100 a month. Opening a credit card with Virgin America and paying it off every month so that I can get miles and travel to NYC. Strengthening my buddhist practice. Weeding out the toxic "friends" in my garden and making room for new ones. It's going to be a lot of work. But there's room for play too - dance more, cook more, worry less, be young and have fun. Produce a short film with above-mentioned roommate. I'm 27, not 60. And even when I am 60, I hope to be as vivacious and spirited as my parents are, and as I am now, if not more so.

So here's to cleaning up. I raise a glass to you, to the new presidential administration, and to myself. Cheers.