Sunday, December 4, 2011

On Dating

This is a conversation I just had with my study partner as she was leaving the cafe where we were studying:

Her: Good luck!
Me: Thanks. I'm terrible at dating.
Her: I meant on the homework.

You see, dear reader, I have a date tonight. And I say I'm terrible at dating because I am terrible at dating. I just don't have the normal girl gene. I don't play the game. If I'm even mildly interested, I have absolutely no qualms about being the aggressor - texting or being the first one to call after the date, kissing the guy, etc. Which means I come on way too strong and scare guys off. The funniest part of it is, I then get upset when they don't pursue me, even though I haven't really given them the chance. It's terrible. At least I'm self-aware about it, but that doesn't stop me. Oh well. It makes for some really interesting dates, and especially interesting aftermath of said dates. (edited to add - I realize that could come off sounding slutty, but I meant correspondence after dates. Get your mind out of the gutter.)

I am mildly better at online dating than normal "finding someone with whom you share common interests at a class or something" dating. At least with online dating we both know what we're there for. In the normal world outside of my computer, I'm sure I have blindsided many a guy with inappropriate flirting that comes way too early. There's a reason I was almost voted "biggest flirt" in Thespians in high school. (Well, that and the "spider monkey," in which I would casually jump on people like a spider monkey as a joke. I'm small and it's actually pretty funny. But I can see how that would be misconstrued.)

Anyway, that's all I have to say about dating for now. I have to go get ready. Wish me luck.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Tao Te Ching - 78

I encountered this tonight (via Shelley's fiance, Brad) and enjoyed it.

Under heaven nothing is more soft and yielding than water.
Yet for attacking the solid and strong, nothing is better;
It has no equal.
The weak can overcome the strong;
The supple can overcome the stiff.
Under heaven everyone knows this,
Yet no one puts it into practice.
Therefore the sage says:
He who takes upon himself the humiliation of the people
is fit to rule them.
He who takes upon himself the country's disasters deserves
to be king of the universe.
The truth often seems paradoxical.

Beware the Ides of April

No blog post in March (hey, it was my birthday) and almost no blog post in April. But I've decided to check in with my one reader (love you Libby).

I just started a job hostessing at a local restaurant, I get to speak Italian all day which is pretty amazing. I'm still on the nursing track but will not be able to start filling pre-reqs until fall. I'm still working on my play and will hopefully be doing a reading of the 2nd act next month sometime (if all goes according to plan...).

And the whole reason I was inspired to blog at all is because of a great post from one of my favorite blogs (which updates on a much more regular basis than I do, and I highly recommend subscribing to his emails). His post also reminded me that I still want a tattoo of a phoenix. Someday, someday... Anyway, here's the post that inspired this one. Enjoy!

Friday, February 25, 2011


February has been a very busy month. And if one more person tells me change is good....

Nah, I'm just kidding. Change is good. But sometimes it's really effing hard. It's hard to go from your comfortable but slightly shitty status to something new, different, scary, intimidating, probably ultimately better, but who knows how long that's gonna get the gist.

Most of you get to this blog via Facebook, so you know that I'm planning on going into nursing. I'm looking at another three years of school. At least. Probably more like four, while working as much as I can to keep the bills paid. And as much as people keep telling me I'll make a great nurse (and thank you, each and every one of you, it really means a ton to hear it) and as much as I believe it myself, it's still a big unknown. I need faith. And I got a little bit of faith today.

I've been working with my dad for the past year and a half. The big plan was for me to take over the family screen-printing business, DM Graphics. My dad has built up this company over the past almost 20 years, he's done a great job, how wonderful would it be if his youngest daughter could carry the torch? But.

But I am not a business person. I just don't have the head to run a small business. I'm not passionate about t-shirts. I'm not passionate about sales. These are facts about me. It's hard to admit things like this about myself, because I want to be good at everything. But I'm just not.

Unfortunately, this has manifested itself into my perception of myself on a grand scale. I'm not good at DM Graphics, and that's where I spend most of my time, so in my head, that's turned into "I'm not good at anything." Which is blatantly untrue. And I realized this today when I got into it with my dad and it dawned on me that he has some serious misconceptions about me and my capacity as a human being. I said this to him, and he didn't believe me at first. Prove it. So I said the following:

"You think I'm scattered, unfocused and unmotivated. And maybe I am, in this one arena of my life. And I get that that's all you're seeing. But there are plenty of other areas of my life in which I excel. I have my Buddhist practice, my improv, my theater company, playwriting workshop - and in all of these I'm a strong, capable person who gets things done and leads people."

Who knows if he got it. But you know what? I needed to hear it for myself. I need some faith in myself right now, and asserting myself out loud gave me a little boost that I'll carry with me for a bit. Not to be all touchy-feely and weird about it, but I think I might get in the habit of saying nice things about myself out loud every now and again. Maybe I'll say them to Bear. You should do it too. (Feel free to talk to Bear, he's a very good listener.)

(By the way, now I totally have George Michael's "Faith" stuck in my head. You're welcome.)

Monday, January 31, 2011

Two Little Words

I am a very grateful person. Not in a "grateful for my lot in life" sort of way (though I try to be that, too), but in an "I say thank you a LOT" way. I thank people often for small things, I thank people profusely for big things, I find myself signing emails "thanks" even when I'm the one helping the person I'm emailing. My boyfriend has actually told me to stop thanking him for dinner when he takes me out, but that goes against my nature. Just something to do with my personality, I guess.

I recently kind of went out of my way to help someone. Not necessary to get into details, but at some point through the process, I realized that she hadn't said "thank you" at any point. I got fixated on it. I started bitching about it. And I realized that I have a serious issue with needing to be acknowledged/appreciated for things that I do. Which is my shit, not hers.

In my Buddhist practice, we're encouraged, no, expected to help people without expecting gratitude in return. This experience was an important lesson for me, and I'm grateful for it. I don't deserve a medal, and yes, while it's polite to thank someone for helping you, it's not, or at least it certainly shouldn't be, the reason to help someone in the first place.

Lesson learned. And by the way, she did wind up thanking me. Profusely.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

A Resolution-less New Year

In past years, I've made long lists of resolutions. I probably still have them in notebooks somewhere. I would make the list on January 1st or close to it, and then never look at it again. So what's the point?

I went to a Buddhism meeting on Sunday and one of the speakers said that she understands that this is a time for making resolutions because we see the limitless potential, the clean slate that a new year brings. But she went on to say that every day should look like that. Every day is an opportunity to start fresh. Now I'm not saying I necessarily wake up and see the limitless potential of my day - I'm usually just groggy and cranky and wanting an extra hour of sleep. But I get it. So no resolutions this year, no endless lists that I will forget about immediately. Just a quiet determination to look at each day as an opportunity to make my life a little better, a little happier, a little friendlier, a little more productive, and to make other people's lives a little brighter.