Fault

I was with a friend last night talking about my car accident (he didn't know that I had crashed my car), and I said something that I remembered I had wanted to write about here. It's basically that things are a lot easier to accept when they're your fault.

When my car broke down last year on the way up to Mammoth, I was outraged. In the carless couple of weeks that ensued, I was frustrated and annoyed. How dare my car just decide to stop working? The bastard. Even though I was still going to get it back, it was an inconvenience and I was pissed.

Then I totaled my car. Which was completely and totally my fault. Of course I was upset, but I got over it a lot faster. Is it that it's easier to be angry at the world than at ourselves? I tend to think that I'm harder on myself than I am on anyone else, so I would think that would extend to fault, as well. But I guess not.

I'm trying to figure out if there's a way to channel that quick recovery time to things that are the fault of the universe, or other people, or gravity. I guess I could just assume that everything that goes wrong is probably, in some way, my fault.

I don't think that'll cause any issues at all.

Hot Link Wednesday

The only reason I watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey is for the Gawker update.

And lately, I've been watching Top Chef for the same reason. And because I have a giant crush on Tom Colicchio.

Speaking of bad movies/television, I still have not seen Sex and the City 2 or Eclipse. But I feel that the "lolcat repertory players" versions that I linked to will suffice for now.

And in the opposite of "pop culture will rot your brain" news, I don't think I've touted my friend Steph's blog, two years on an island, in my links yet. So there it is. She's a fantastic writer and days away from being a new mom.

(the picture? just because.)

Stop & Breathe Light

There's a stoplight at the intersection of the Chandlers (north and south) and Tujunga that I call the "stop & breathe" light. It may have something to do with the orange line, but I swear at some point, traffic in every direction and all walkers are commanded to stop at the same time. It's like a safety meeting - nobody moves, nobody gets hurt.

Even if I'm running late, this light doesn't piss me off. It's not a particularly long signal, and it amuses me to catch the other drivers looking around, as if wondering "who exactly does get to go right now?" The answer is no one. We all get to sit here for a moment and collect ourselves. Breathe. And go.

The opposite of this calm, meditative sort of signal is the crosswalk by the metro station on Lankershim, just one block east. It goes from red to blinking red, which means you have to treat it as a stop sign, but the pedestrian signal is still in its countdown. So every time I think I'm okay to go, some human comes running out in front of my car. And if I wait too long, some cranky driver will honk from behind.

I guess if it's between "stop and breathe" and "go (if you dare)," I prefer the former.

Big News

It seems fitting that this news will go in my 100th post.

I think I may have found a school at which I'll be doing after school programs in the fall. I blogged about this a couple of months ago - about needing to get off my rear and start working on my non-profit. Well, by a wonderful string of events, I met with a principal of a charter high school that is completely lacking any classes in the arts. It's a brand-new school, with just a 9th grade class. And the first day of school is in a little under 2 months.

This is a project that has been in my head for ten years, and it's a little surreal that it may be getting underway so quickly.

My next step is to email this principal (who seems really fantastic and I think we'll get along great) a proposal of what I'd like the program to look like. So I'm off to work on that now, but just wanted to pop in here and share the good news.

Hot Wednesday

No links, just 100 degree heat and the overwhelming desire to not be at work, and instead to be with the boy who is moving in 2 days.

The universe works in mysterious ways - I've been wanting to have a positive, respectful romantic connection with someone for quite a while now. So of course, the universe delivers in a sort of twisted and yet beautiful way, by handing me a guy with a time limit.

For now, it's about enjoying the moment and not worrying about what happens next. Which is a lesson I am always trying to work on, so thanks universe (I guess).

Hot Link Wednesday

Adding to the list of "blogs that make fun of hipsters," Unhappy Hipster takes photos from magazines and websites and gives them ridiculous captions. Thank you sister for the link.

Jezebel (which is hilariously described as "Gawker's ladyblog," which sounds dirty to me) posted an article lambasting the Daily Show for treating women poorly/not hiring them. The female employees of the Daily Show countered with a wonderfully written letter (I love the 2nd P.S.) addressed "Dear people who don't work here."

The KCRW Pledge Drive is coming up - here is the page to sign up to volunteer. I did one shift last year and it was really fun. This year I'm doing 2 shifts - Wednesday August 11 at 8:10 pm, and Tuesday August 17 at (gasp) 5:50 am. That Tuesday is the final day of the pledge drive, so it should be a busy morning on the phones. And if you volunteer, you get a discounted membership for the year (which comes with a fringe benefits card).

LA Works is a volunteer registry/database where you can sign up for shifts as a volunteer in the LA area. I will be volunteering with Children of the Night in September (that was the next available shift).

And something that always makes me happy, a new Hyperbole and a Half blog post. This one's about giving a dog an IQ test.

On My Journeys through the Internets...

...I find gems like this (from the AT&T Billing Glossary):

"Dial-Up
Refers to connecting a device to a network via a modem and a public telephone network. Dial-up access is similar to a phone connection, except that the parties at the two ends are computer devices rather than people."

I like the metaphor. And good on them for even having this in their dictionary in the first place.

But it did make me giggle.

And so did this:

"Cramming
Cramming happens when a telephone company or third-party provider charges for services or fees that the customer has not authorized."

Well that's not very nice. But nice of AT&T to alert us that they may or may not be doing that.

Oh, the Humanity

I was in a car with a friend from my Buddhist practice this week, and we were talking about people's natures - basically what we would put on the back of someone's hypothetical "card." I asked him what would be on the back of my card, and he said I am one of the most "human" people he knows.

For a moment I was a little taken aback - after all, the phrase "only human" is often used to explain away someone's bad behavior or characteristics.

But he went on to explain that while some people hide behind appearances or pretend to be something they are not or in some other way shelter their true selves from the world, he thinks that I'm extremely honest and open. At least I think I'm remembering correctly. So, I'm human. Yes.

Yesterday I went on a first date, with someone I met on a dating site. We had exchanged a few emails, and in one of his messages he asked what my play is about (in response, obviously, to me telling him I'm working on a play. Or maybe it's in my profile. Whatever.). I responded via message that it was about family, mental illness, and boys.

Now, going into this date, I was more thinking of it as practice than anything else -- like an interview for a job you don't really want. He's a little young for me and not really my type. A little bit about him - he's a med student from the Bay Area. Lives in Brentwood. Nice enough, just not for me.

So yesterday, we're drinking coffee and playing backgammon at a cafe near my house, and the following conversation occurs:

Him: So you're working on a play.
Me: Yeah, I'm just trying to figure out how to write the 2nd act.
Him: So you said it's about mental illness? Do you have experience with that?
Me: Um.

At first I tried to sort of play it off, but then the little voice inside my head said "fuck it" and I was like, "Actually I'm bipolar."

His response?

"Oh - I just did my psych rotation a couple of weeks ago."

He didn't cut and run right there. We talked more - about his psych rotation, about college, our families, usual first date stuff. I pretty much knew the whole time that there would not be a date 2. Which is fine, since it was just a practice date anyway, but I do wonder how much of the reason for that is due to my open, honest "humanity."

The thing is - I'm really working on not thinking of myself as bipolar before all else. It's hard. It's especially hard when I force myself into labeling myself to total strangers. So what do I do? Stop discussing the subject matter of my plays? Don't admit to being a writer? Be coy? What would you do?